I just watched Brokeback Mountain for the first time. I know, I know: I am a gay man and this movie has been out since 2005 and I’m JUST NOW watching it. It’s downright revolting or some shit like that. Listen, I just never got around to it. In the back of my mind, I just wasn’t all that into the scene of two married cowboys fucking on a mountain. 

MAN, WAS I WRONG.

Well, I was wrong about what the movie was about at least. I decided to watch it, solely because of the all-star cast. And honestly, I think it was fan-fucking-tastic. I have three points to make:

#1/Prologue

 As a gay man, I was nervous about seeing the portrayal of the relationship between these men. Because truthfully, if you don’t try to see the relationship, all you’ll see is the sex: two closeted men who hang out on a ranch and fuck when they’re bored. And it worries me that most of America probably viewed it in such a fashion, because honestly I think the past 7 years have made the people of this country a lot more progressive about homosexuality. Of course it’s not where it should be, but that’s a whole other rant. Back to the point, when this movie was produced, America saw it as I expected it to be. And as I mentioned, I was completely and utterly wrong. The two men were actually in love, yet the era and environment in which they were taught their ethical values kept them from understanding that their feelings were okay. And when Jack finally moved on to believing that they could live a happy life together, Ennis was too stuck on his “ethics” to believe that it could happen. He didn’t realize how much he had until it was gone. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

#2

THE SEX SCENE. Jake Gyllenhaal straight-up taking it from behind. That is all.

#3

I don’t think that two better actors could have been cast to portray Ennis and Jack. Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger were fantastic in these roles. It was honestly one of the first times in forever that I actually forgot the story was just a fabricated form of entertainment.



Here comes the rant about love. I think I take relationships for granted too often. I can’t seem to make things work out right on most occasions. It’s not always my fault, but too often, it is. Within the past couple of months, I had literally given up on trying to make something sensible happen with a boy. So there I was, being a dumb teenager, acting like a naive sexual being and taking direction from impulse. I think this semester has been one of my most stressful, and in some ways it was a release, but in more ways I was just adding fuel to the fire. I feel numbed at this point, almost. I’ve had flings and things and situations with boys and men, one after another; and when things didn’t work out, I’d move on to the next. Yet again and again, I have allowed myself to get used, duped, involved, and dropped. It hurt the first couple of times, but then I stopped hurting, and I stopped feeling. I just let it happen. It’s gotten old at this point, and I want more. Like a schoolboy, I’ve suddenly been immersed once again in innocent and flawless daydreams of love and happiness with the man that I will love someday. I hope this is achievable, and that it happens in its time. I really do. Just the thought is so refreshing and beautiful and good. And maybe my numbness is wearing off… maybe I can FINALLY feel again. Deeper than just the physical. And it feels so good. It really does.